Please Share My Umbrella
It's twenty minutes to half an hour to work on the bus each morning, depending on the Moron to Bus Stop ratio. There's always someone who has to argue with the driver, lose their bus pass, not have the right change, or generally mess with the efficiency of Lothian Buses.
But I look forward to the journey. It's a delicious chunk of time to just sit up the top and daydream, to attempt to put on lipstick, peer into peoples backyards, snigger at bad hairstyles, doze briefly, or chase fallen lipstick down the aisle.
There's a lot of elderly people on the route. They're loud and funny and always bitching about the weather. The other day some old biddie got on, flashed her OAP card then sat down. The bus driver called her back and reminded her that she had to pay 40p as it's only free after 9.30 AM.
"Ooh, I clean forgot!" she blushed.
"Yoooo stupid old fart," muttered a sweet little dame in front of me, who looked at least ten years her senior, "Everyone knows that."
Then she gave her the finger.
Another day an old guy went sprawling when a particularly mental driver really hammered on the brakes at his stop. He giggled and brushed off his coat, and we all smiled back at him, knowing it just as easily could have been one of us. Except for one cranky wrinkly who snarled, "Look, sonny. Maybe you're just too old to ride the bus now!"
If the oldies aren't entertaining me, there are plenty of intruiging conversations to drop in on. There's politics...
"You know they keep saying on the news how disappointing the turnout was for the Scottish elections, I can tell ya what the real reason for that is. It's because it's just so bloody borin'. Why don't they make it worth our while? They should put it on the telly and make the politicians sing or dance or do magic, and then we ring up and vote for our favourite. We wouldn't have to go out in the rain or anything."
... and technology...
"I don't know how I'd get through the working day without Solitaire."
"Don't you think it's a bit borin' and lonely? You can only play it on your own."
"But that's the idea!"
"Personally I think Hearts is more excitin'."
"You can only play that on your own too!"
"Aye, but Solitaire just seems more solitary to me. I think it's got something to do with the name."
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Mmmright.
You should find a way to record these conversations.....
Sounds like the "T" here in Boston.
Driver: Ma'am...it's 1.25...
Woman in ugly Burberry boots holding up entire line which happened to contain yours truly on her way to do some spring shopping and therefor itching and ready to kill: 1.25!? What the fuuuuck! It's only a dollar at Kenmore...
Driver, obviously annoyed: Yeah well it's a 1.25 here...if you wanna pay a dollar, walk the 5 blocks to Kenmore...
Woman, now even uglier than before, face contorting in rage: Listen asshole...my tax dollars pay your fucking salary...don't get pushy!
Driver closes door and leaves us all there.
Lesson to be learned: Kill anyone wearing Burberry tartan.
It's a downright flury of writing going on around here itellyouwhat!
Nice to see the posts flying! The mighty S is back...
It could be worse. They could've been talking in 133t5p34k...
Sounds like you've adjusted to the accent, though I hear Edinburgh isn't anywhere near as bad as ... *echoey thunderclap, dramatic chord* ... Glasgow.
Oooh! That's so gorgeous, the solitaire comment! Old people can be very cute.
We've got this crazy old lady that wanders around my neighbourhood always grumbling and mumbling" "Ah, you're a bloody prick, you are. You bastard mongrel [swearword swearword swearword]". She has skinny little legs and wears a hairnet over an old-fashioned forties coiffure. I love her!
Once on the bus, it was like a torential downpour. This old dude got on the bus, smiling (in spite of being soaked) and loudly exclaimed "Ah, well it cleans the streets, the rains, doesn't it!"
It always makes me smile.
hehe. i can't wait to be old & crazy. as it is, i already intend to be an embarrassment to my children. shroom & i have plans of following the kid to school & running up to them surrounded by all his/her friends annoucing that they forgot clean underwear .. yelling out the car window, "love you darling!! kiss! kiss!", all sorts of things which will make them want the ground to swallow them up.
:-D hah!!
“Personally I think Hearts is more excitin’.”
“You can only play that on your own too!”
“Aye, but Solitaire just seems more solitary to me. I think it’s got something to do with the name.”
At least he/she didn't say, "But I can play Hearts with my imaginary friends!"
I'm with slackjaw. Your site is kicking these days!
Your writing is as fine as ever.
(I feel like we're all gratified by your adventures. )
can't you connect to other hearts players on the internet? i used to love hearts, but not since playing against my brother who always won. i am a sore loser.
There was nearly a fight on the front counter today between two queueing people. A few of us came out of the office to watch (it's a treat for our 'customers' not to be screaming at us). I Had £5 on the Gramps as I reckon he'd launch into a rush attack and take the younger person by surprise. Sadly, much to our dismay it came to nothing.
see if i had conversations like that happenin' on my bus route then i could ditch my walkman and save my hearing. sorta.
(and another thing: at last, someone else who takes a bus to work besides me!)
Glaswegian accents are indeed impervious to assaults of understanding. I conversed with my mate Paul entirely in "yeah?"s and "cool!"s for the six months before I could understand exactly what he was saying...
Scottish oldies sound so much better than English ones (though I'd still prefer an English oldie to a Welsh one).
Heehee.
(That's all I've got to say. Sorry)
hehe - old English biddies are funny :)
i find that old people on the bus talk incessantly about illness.
Man, I thought listening to Seattle bus people talk in Seattalian was bad. :p
Hee hee hee.
I hope I'll give people the finger when I get old, like next year.
jesus shagging a goat, you've moved to scotland. it's been too long, my dear.
Oh my gosh! That's the funniest blog post I've read in a long time. Thanks.
funny post! :D
came here via googling 'please share my umbrella' - cos it got played in the supermarket this morning. now ´s that random or what? i swear no *pussy* googling was involved ;)
forgot to sign ;)