Creative Accounting
There were two girls on the bus the other day, and thank goodness for that, for if it wasn't for people on buses I would never have anything to write about.
Anyway, they spoke in the italicised manner of young teens. They huddled over notebooks and scribbled intently with neon pink pens.
"We're doomed," declared the blonde in the puffy jacket with the fake fur collar. She slumped in her seat and sighed.
"48%, that's not that bad," the redhead in the puffy jacket with the fake fur collar said in soothing tones.
"48% is rubbish!"
I peered over to see what they were doing. Oh, sweet nostalgia. Do you remember when you were young and crushing and you'd write your name on a piece of paper, then write LOVES underneath, then the name of the boy underneath that? Like this:
... and then you'd count how many L’s are in your names, then how many O, V, E and S's, and keep adding up the numbers until you were left with a two-digit figure that spelled out your romantic destiny:
This poor girl was not happy with her compatibility with a young James. "He borrowed my pencil in Science yesterday so I thought things were going good."
My heart went out to her. At this stage of her life, all she had to go on was pure mathematics. She wasn't old enough to buy Cosmopolitan and let her self esteem be dictated by Are You Suckers Gonna Make It? multiple choice quizzes. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and tell her that all was not lost. With some careful massaging of the data, it was entirely possible to turn the tide of their relationship.
Firstly, many schools of thought believe if you get a result under 50%, you have to double the number, the reason being 50% is the scientifically-proven minimum compatibility one can have with another human being. Or maybe it's just because a result less than 50% would be like ripping out your heart and inviting a herd of elephants to crap on it.
But if you don't feel comfortable with such blatant figure fudging, you can tinker with the words. Try adding your middle names and see if that beefs up the percentage. If you don't know his middle name, it is accepted practice to make one up.
Failing that, try a different word in the middle. "LOVES" is so traditional and stuffy. Try "adores", "admires", "worships", or:
If all that still fails produce a satisfactory result, well, whatever. Clearly the boy is so not good enough for you, girlfriend.
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this is one goes out to all you lovers out there in radioland...
i wrote this many months ago and forgot to post it, so please don't go thinking i'm obsessed with public transport and can't write about anything else!
How cute!
Very funny! :)
Ahh, that must be how the OK Cupid metrics work. Or even those of Dexter the robot.
I love your handwriting (it's better than mine!) - I think I've still got that business card from when you were mailing them to all and sundry with handwritten notes on the back. (Ah yes, it's still there.) Heh.
oh man! that's from the year 2000! does that make you feel old or what?
i can't believe i ever had a job where i had a business card... hehe.
LOL!!!
nice handwriting shauny!
i remember my friend did a whole book with this number thingy at sixth form, she'd done calculations on absolutely everyone. yes, it did end up in the wrong hands...
you know, i don't think i ever got my business card from you miss shauny. i tell you what, though, if you send me your address, i'll mail you one from the job i got made redundant from about two years ago.... wouldn't THAT be exciting...
You think maybe this is how Einstein got around to coming up with Theory of Relativity?
Love your site!!! Hilarious!
Shauny, when are you going to write a book so we can buy it? (Is this showing my age?)
Ummm, apologies to Witold...
Hehe, yeah I remember doing that, and tampering with the names to get a better result :).
Witold
thanks
Helen (for her apologies.)
; )
Shauny! this is yet another brilliant entry... Even though I do not fully understand how the calculation works. (We used to employ other methods of finding out... I guess...)
Brilliant!
Hell, I still do this. Only it's more of a scientific job-search process now. It's "[name of company] wants to hire Marybeth." The only time it's worked well was the time I worked at my favorite job.
I don't surpose you could branch out to help me with my tax return?
(and does adding my middle names on the tax return work in the same way ie getting more cash back?)
We had a different method. It was this folded piece of paper thingie. The boy I loved grew up to be a heroin addict. That wasn't the worst thing. He was a smug and pretentious heroin addict. Still, I can't recall our score.
Oh dear. My pencil cases from early high school were covered in that crap.
There was another one you could do where it would tell you whether you would marry the guy, what kind of house you would live in, what kind of car you would drive, and how many kids you would have.
I always ended up with the pimply guy, the hovel, the Volvo and 27 rugrats.
All in good time...
If they taught stuff like that in maths classes we'd all do a lot better. Using quadratic equations to decide whether I'm a suitable companion for Susan Kennedy is the way to get a qualification, I'm sure of it.
Ohhh! I used to spend an inordinate amount of time doing this!!! There was a more complex one, more complex than calculus, a fortune gazer of sorts. You'd add in P.R.A.M - to find out if you've be poor, rich, average or millionaire. Then you'd have a list of potential boys you'd marry and jobs you might do and how many kids you'd have.
Bloody hell I was a twit. Even more so then.
tee!
PS - Hands off that delectible Scot Obi-Wan. He has already promised himself to me. ME!
That entry was goooorgeous, Shauny! :) Nice to see you haven't lost your touch - nudda one bidda!
Yeah, but she's in Scotland and you're not. I say she's got a wee advantage there...
I have a new computer. :)
Also a new job. Telstra sacked me. They sacked all of us. I now work in a bookstore, unpacking boxes and receiving stock.
When do you come back to Australia?
never!
Shauny and Ewan, sitting in a tree..
(I know, I KNOW it's old news. I know, okay? But who cares?)
Kay-Aye-Es-Es-Aye-En-Gee!
Heh.
it must be nice to have a minimalist blog where you can just update every week or so, and the comments page just burbles along all by itself... i should try it one of these days. and by the way, you're so lying about never coming back, miss shauny, i know you will one day, you can't live without us for long....
muchlove
billyjoe - yeah i know... if i could only take certain parts of scotland and certain parts of oz, i'd have the perfect country...
You'd have America!
Sounds like New Zealand, actually...
Hmmm... apparently this is a universal phenomenon. Kids in Malaysia do that too... but with a slight variation. We count all the letters in a name, not just those in "LOVE". Possibly not too accurate... but hey, anything to block out the droning history teacher! :)
you're lucky not to be ever coming back to Australia. every day is well over 40 degrees, week after week. no one knows what will become of us.
"48% is rubbish" is likely to be the title of the next radiohead album.
great story! I really enjoyed reading this! :)
is it possible that miss shauny has managed to invent the perfect post modern blog? a blog in which the READERS (stay with me here) provide all of the content, and on which the AUTHOR makes occasional comments?
What genius! What astonishing grasp of postmodern self publishing in the digital age!
WHAT A FUCKING SUBVERSION OF A DOMINANT CULTURAL PARADIGM!!!!!!
*grin* Loved this entry. I remember some other form of calculation involving all the vowels in your name, but buggered if I can remember it. It certainly never brought me Shaun Vernon, the man of my dreams...
Laughed out loud at the Ewan McGregor middle name.
Hahaha! We used FLAMES instead of LOVE back in grade school. I used to be creative with adding extra names too. There came a rule that you had to use the name on your birth certificate. My name is toooo long but then that worked to my favor!
Yes, the comments section seems to have a life of its own, doesn't it? But surely, Ms. Shauny here is quite the expert in eliciting a response from us by posting excellently crafted entries. (whew!)
i love you
If we failed to get a high enough score with the percentages, my friends and I used to use the FCHLSM (the mnemonic was 'french cows have lovely sweet milk') game.
You write both your name and the name of your beloved down on a bit of paper, and then cross out all letters that you and he both have in your names. Count up the letters that are left uncrossed out in his name.
Using this total, count through FCHLSM and progressively crossout the last letter you land on. ( ie. if his total was 4, the first letter you cross out would be L) and continue to count and cross out only one letter left.
That letter holds the key to your future with your beloved, as follows:
F = friendship,
C = courtship
H = hate
L = love
S = sex
M = marriage.
Isn't it wonderful how all love and sex are considered mutually exclusive of marriage?
NB: cross out all letters that you and he both have in your names should in fact read as:
cross out all letters that you and he both have in common in your names.
You've probably seen it already but if you haven't, you'll love Big Fish.
SHAUNY I'M GETTING AN IPOD MINI!!!
she is pink and her name is gigi. i've already decided that she's french. and sassy.
fantastic entry, chook. please write more. i love you and miss you.
dear shauny,
i'm so glad to finally know that my feelings for you are mutual. meet me at the usual place at the usual time for an unusual thing.
ahhh ewan... how i once loved you, but i have moved on :P
Shauny, I love your site and absolutely adore this entry, can I put a link on my blog? Thanks: )
hey, who says only teenagers do that? but then again, my sister did buy me the big quiz-a-rama special edition Dolly for christmas.
Ipod Mini. Cool. I hear you can rip them apart to get at the massive flash card inside.
I did the MASH thing but never this...very interesting. Ahh the memories, what the heck am I saying, I still do this crap.
i got 87% with my fiance! yay!
ICKY!